My neighbor John lives with his girlfriend. I do not know her name because they are both terrible people. I only know his name because it was on a piece of mail that was accidentally delivered to me two years ago.
My name is not John, so when I got mail that said “John” on it I walked over and knocked on his door with the letter in my hand. He opened the door, with his mouth agape like a bass that had just woken up and he didn’t say anything. So I said “Hey, I think I got your mail,” and then he took it from my hand and said “Oh,” and then he closed the door.
John does not know that I can hear him and his unnamed girlfriend fighting constantly. I can’t imagine why they’re fighting. They both seem really pleasant and not like total pieces of trash and neither of them avoid eye contact or literally run up the stairs if they see me or anyone else coming…
Anyway, after nearly three years of hearing John and Ms. X fighting, I have learned two important things about them:
1. They mainly fight because John has a gambling problem. He stays out at the Bicycle Club Casino late and doesn’t come home and then lies about it.
2. Ms. X has a friend named Billy that John is jealous of.
Why is this important? I’ll explain.
Yesterday I left a note on the mailbox asking the UPS Delivery Man to leave my package at the front gate instead of ringing the buzzer and then I left to go to the office. But I forgot something at home and returned about ten minutes later, just in time to watch John, for no reason at all, remove the note and stick it in his pocket. He doesn’t know I saw this. But suffice it to say, I’ve pretty much had it with John.
Now, on to what my next move is. Last night after work I drove out to the Bicycle Club Casino, bought $2,000 worth of chips on a credit card, collected a receipt, and then immediately returned the chips for a refund.
This morning I waited until he left and then I taped the receipt to his apartment door with a note that read “Found this on the staircase. Not sure if it’s yours” and then I knocked really loud on the door and hurried back to my apartment.
Needless to say, within 15 minutes I could hear Ms. X on the phone, screaming wildly, hanging up, calling again, screaming more. It was all pretty great.
Even now, nearly twelve hours later, I can still hear them fighting. She simply can’t believe he did not go to the casino last night. Shocking! How could he!? The nerve.
Now, tomorrow evening when a really nice bouquet of flowers arrive from “Billy” with a card attached, I just have to imagine that John will insist on reading the card which reads:
Sorry about your fight with John. Thanks for EVERYTHING yesterday ;)
Can’t wait to do it do it do it again.
So, I’m not really sure what’s going to happen but I guess the moral of the story is don’t mess with my Amazon.com packages.
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