Listen, I’m just going to go ahead and be straight with you. We’ve been playing this game for far too long and to be honest, I’d rather just put my cards on the table and stop screwing around.
Yes, I live under your bed. Guess what? I’m not leaving. Get over it. Stop crying about it and seriously, stop telling your parents. They’re never going to believe you, especially when you’re screaming and snotting everywhere. Have you ever looked in the mirror during one of your little “fits?” You look crazy. So, just forget about it.
I used to live under your parents’ bed, but let’s just say that sometimes when a man and a woman love each other, they make noises that make it really hard for me to sleep.
I was under your sister’s bed for a while with my wife, but guess what? We’re going through a really hard time right now. I don’t want to get into it but let’s just say that I’m going to be under your bed for a long, long time.
I’m really sorry if you’re “scared” all the time, but life isn’t a pack of peaches for me either, okay? You know all those days you pretend to be sick and stay in bed watching the damn Price is Right? I’m stuck down here. All day. So suck it.
Anyway, look. I’m stuck with you and you’re stuck with me, so I’m just going to go ahead and pretend that you don’t exist and I suggest you do the same. And if you show this note to your parents, I swear I will eat your legs.
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